Category Archives: Banter, Bits & Morsels

Short and snappy. Warning: may be salty or sarcastic.

Quotations #3 (on Politics & Life)

  • Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage. H.L. Mencken
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Will Rogers
  • The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke
  • The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Sun Tzu
  • If you’re going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill
  • The only journey is the one within. Rainer Maria Rilke
  • There is nothing permanent except change. Heraclitus
  • Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching. Satchel Paige

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Witticisms #1

Wha’d you call me?
  • My laptop insults me every time I turn it on.  I have a fingerprint reader, and it doesn’t recognize me if I’ve washed my hands.
  • What is the Large Hadron Collider, the pride of physics?  It’s two photons playing chicken at the speed of light in an innertube with a 25-mile circumference.
  • Those who think they’ve died and gone to heaven wake to find the weather hotter than they’d expected.
  • There’s a Miami firm, Atlantic Shutters.  They have a business contingency plan if global warming leads to rising sea levels. They’ll just change their name to Atlantis Shutters.

Quotations #2

  • The future is already here — it’s just unevenly distributed. William Gibson, sci-fi author
  • I never said actors were cattle.  I said they should be treated like cattle.  Alfred Hitchcock
  • Man is the lowest-cost, 150-pound, nonlinear, all-purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. 1965 NASA Report
  • The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves.  William Hazlitt
  • That the world frequently disappoints is an inevitable consequence of having standards, but the real tragedy would be to live without standards.  James Dunn
  • It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity!  Raya Langendorf’s immigrant mother
  • Measurement is distilled sense perception, but reason owns and operates the still.  James Dunn

Snotty T-Shirts

Unsmiley Face

  • Common sense is like deodorant: the people who need it most never use it.
  • Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
  • [T-shirt of biker seen from back] The bitch fell off.
  • [T-shirt of biker girl seen from front] I stole the bastard’s bike.
  • I woke up grumpy this morning.  Sometimes I just let her sleep.
  • Chubby Guys cuddle better.
  • Also available in sober.

Tyrion

Dark Humor from the School of Hard Knocks

sleeping student-1

  • Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?  A: Their lips move.
  • Q: What’s the difference between high school and prison?  A: Prisoners get more sleep.
  • The dynamic young Saudi Crown Prince, known as MBS, is the driving force behind many innovations in his tradition-bound kingdom.  He is now calling for a new Saudi flag featuring a white bone-saw on a field of green, and the legend “Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You”.
  • Hard-nosed businessmen and street smart types often question the value of history.  “What’s it good for, they ask?”  To answer them in their own lingo: it’s the Spotter’s Guide to rogues, scoundrels and con-men; it’s the Bookie’s line on the odds of good government; it’s the actuarial tables for the mortality of democracies.
  • Freshly divorced wife, to her departing ex-husband: “I hope your life goes to shit.  I hope every day of the rest of your life is worse than the day before.  I hope your life from here on out is nothing but misery!”  Husband, looking back: “So, do you want me to go or to stay?”
  • [From the now-defunct Soviet Union]  We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us.
  • My wife and I have the perfect relationship: half the time she’s my better half, and half the time I’m hers.
  • Whenever someone speaks truth to power someone else speaks power to truth; the latter is decisive.  It only happens otherwise in cinema, literature and religion.
  • Abraham Lincoln famously said that you can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time. My rather darker variant on this is that half the people half the time are half-full of shit; as far as Truth is concerned, men are more sinning than sinned against.  Nietzsche makes an even harsher judgment “Truth has no survival value”, with the unstated implication that men’s drives generally aim lower than their pretensions.

Quotations #1 (Mostly about Politics)

Churchill
Winston Churchill

  • On Politics
  • It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.  Upton Sinclair
  • Democracy is the worst form of government, except for everything else that has ever been tried.  Winston Churchill
  • In youth one believes in democracy, later on, one has to accept it.  Ramsay MacDonald
  • He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.  Abraham Lincoln
  • Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.  Mark Twain
  • The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.  John Kenneth Galbraith
  • “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”  Oscar Wilde

Wilde
Oscar Wilde

  • On Familiarity, Grammar, and Art
  • Though familiarity may not breed contempt, it takes off the edge of admiration.  William Hazlitt
  • [Upon being told that a sentence cannot end in a preposition]: “That is one rule up with which I will not put.”   Winston Churchill
  • The only person who likes all kinds of art is an auctioneer.  Oscar Wilde
  • Sources: McPhee, Nancy, The Book of InsultsThe Economist‘s Espresso morning posts, and the occasional student paper.